The Roman Baths
by The Lyrical Fox
Summary: Joxer and Ares team up to get their women, but Xena and Gabrielle have a plan to tell them off. When all goes awry, the boys discover a little more than they bargained for.


**This story is indeed a Xena x Gabrielle one, just a small amusing oneshot idea I had in my head. Contains adult themes but nothing graphic, and is meant to truly just be an amusing, short read. I don't own Xena: Warrior Princess and all that good stuff.**

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><p>Joxer narrowed his small eyes into a skeptical squint. He was on a worn, dusted path leading into Thrace. On either side of him the road was lined with small trees, with the occasional pomegrante tree as a tasty detour. Somewhere ahead of him, roughly a candlemark's walk or more, Xena and Gabrielle were mounted on their trust steeds Argo and Amber, off towards Thrace to perform more wild acts of retribution. Joxer was tailing them for very good reason, though! Certainly his assitance would be needed, yes, granted, but thoughts of Gabrielle kept cropping up as well. Being the incredibly talented warrior he was, Joxer had no doubt in his abilities to track down his favorite duo. Regardless of his incredible talents, there was this nag in his gut; he didn't have the slightest idea how he was going to tell the bard that he liked her.<p>

As he continued to bumble noisily and horselessly down the path, a cacophonous noise to his left caused him to whirl in surprise.

"Who's there? Sneaking up on Joxer the Mighty is unwise, mind you!" Well, he didn't really specify exactly who was the unwise on here, so it was at least partially true. Regardless, Joxer brandished his sword into the air madly for a moment.

"Really? It's just you? You're not with Xena and her irritating little blonde?"

Joxer quirked an eyebrow at Ares, who he discovered leaning classically against a tree and staring down his nose at the mortal. It seemed that the God was trying to play off the fact that he had struck a seductive pose upon arrival, obviously expecting Xena. The "warrior" relaxed a little, but couldn't hide the triumph on his face.

"I'm tracking them actually, and boy are you just the one to help! I mean, who could be better than tracking than a God?" Flattery, it seemed, was a skill that Joxer had picked up from from his female companions. That or just outright bribery, maybe.

"You really think," Ares began, lifting his chin, "That I have any interest in helping you?"

"Well no, no, but I thought you'd benefit from the tail end of the deal, that's all. But if you're not up for it God of War, then I'll be on my way!"

"Wait wait wait," Ares pushed off the tree and pranced closer, "What deal? With Xena?"

"Oh yeah!" Joxer's small eyes glittered happily. "You see, my man," and threw an arm around Ares' shoulder to hunch them over and explain the deal, "I know you've got a thing for Xena. And me? Well I want to tell Gabrielle that I uh... well you understand."

Ares looked bewildered at the contact, staring directly at Joxer and hating every second of their close contact. Joxer took no notice, but plowed on rapidly in order to keep the God's attention.

"Anyways I have this plan to seperate them, and then we both get what we want. First of all we drug the girls just a little to get them to listen to us and-"

"That won't work. Xena can smell henbane a mile away."

"-Well we knock them out-"

"Never gonna happen."

"-Well fine, then we just convince them to separate, lie and say we'll meet up again later!"

"That...that could work. But what then? Those two stick to each other like dirt on a farmer. They won't easily be swayed to forget the other in their absense." It was clear from his hushed, excited tone that Ares was in on the deal. Deep down he had no real expectations, but any plan to mess with the bard and make a move on Xena? Well he was game for sure!

"Fake letters," Joxer answered instantly, "Fake letters convincing them they each left the other for us! Won't be a total lie now will it, my man?"

"Don't," Ares said carefully, "Call me that again. Anyways...I'm game. Where do we start?"

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><p>"Xe-ena-a-a?"<p>

"Yes?"

"Amb-ber rides a lit-t-tle r-rough t-t-today," the bard explained as her horse clip-clopped along the path like a drunken fool. Only within the last candlemark of traveling had she noticed the disabled gait of her mount.

Xena smirked at her short-haired friend, who was bouncing viciously on her horse. Her hair bobbed wildly, but that wasn't the only bouncing body part the warrior took notice to. She quickly directed her eyes back to Gabrielle's face again and pulled Argo to a halt.

"Well he's lost a shoe," Xena explained. Gabrielle whispered a 'woah' to stop her larger horse beside Argo, and stared down at Xena in disbelief.

"How do you know? You didn't even look." Though without protest she leapt down and examined the hooves of her ride. Sure enough, Xena had been correct. Amber was missing a shoe, and his hoof looked tired and worn. "Damn your many skills, Xena. We'll need to repair that. Can't be comfortable to walk on."

"You going to walk, or shall I tie your ankle in wraps again so you can communicate the problem to him?"

Gabrielle ignored the sarcasm and answered in a beat. "Shouldn't we make camp anyways? It won't be long before the sun sets. And I want to scribe a little tonight."

"Yeah. I'll go look for a stream...it's about time we had some decent fish for dinner. I'll take the horses to the water," Xena agreed, tossing packs at Gabrielle, who caught them and distributed them to the ground. Soon after this she would make a fire at a desirable flat area. Which seemed to be a handy three strides away.

"Right. I'll get camp set up like usual...can you hand me that stick? ...Xena?" But the warrior had already slid away. _She's probably excited to go do something useful after a lousy day of walking, _Gabrielle mused lightly. _I guess I am too._ She began to gather suitable firewood and stone for the fire. Gabrielle busied herself for perhaps a candlemark or more setting up the camp, and it looked like the sun was finally startig to go down. She was well into a good scroll by the time Xena appeared from the trees, looking sour. The warrior princess wrinkled her nose and seemed to glance in every direction before tossing two hares at Gabrielle's feet.

"What's wrong?" the bard questioned, packing her scrolls up with her sais. "Rabbit bite you?" She took the creatures and began to skin them at a safe distance from where she would sleep.

"Ares."

"What?" Gabrielle, who strongly disliked Ares mainly because he was competition, dropped her rabbit on the ground. "Oh nasty...Xena what's he doing here?" Firelight lit the warrior, who looked contemplative.

"He's up to something, and I know Joxer is in on it. I met him in the woods just now-Joxer-he made camp nearby. Said he wanted to go ahead with you into Thames while I handle a little problem downwind in a village."

"Aaaand this has what to do with Ares?"

"He said 'God-of-War' problem, actually. Not too subtle, that one."

"I don't think I understand."

Xena sighed playfully, moving across the fire to sit beside her bard, who had just finished cleaning her hands. "They're trying to drive us apart," she explained, fingering a loose hair in her companion's eyes, "As always."

"They are so naive," Gabrille smirked, staring with a pleased expression into her soulmate's eyes. "Do you have a plan-better yet, what's your plan? I know you have one."

"It's very simple," Xena smiled. "We just wait for them to crop up in the morning and give 'em one of these numbers," she closed the distance and landed a passion-filled, lip-nibbling kiss upon the bard. It lasted almost a full minute before either was sated enough to pull away. Had they not been in conversation it might have gone further. Instead, they both found humor in the moment and laughed in wild abandonment.

Gabrielle smirked. "Can't wait until they see that."

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><p>Morning found chaos in the camp as Xena awoke to a missing Gabrielle. She knew instantly who was behind the mess, even as Joxer showed up, claiming that Ares had stolen the bard away. He left her to the rescue and vanished into the forest, only pausing long enough to watch Xena ride viciously off on Argo. Boy was Ares in for it!<p>

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><p>"Joxer, tell me again how we ended up in Thames already. At a Roman Bath no less!" Gabrielle threw her hands up on her hips and glared with fire at Joxer. Truth be told, she was a deep sleeper and it was no problem at all to get Ares to transport her here in the night. Away from Xena, who was at this very moment galloping towards Ares! Convenient.<p>

"You see, I found you unconcious in the early morning in your camp with this note."

_Dear Gabrielle,_

_If you're reading this I'm already gone. I woke up and discovered how much I need Ares, and I had to leave you behind. _

_We can't be together for a while but I'm sure you and Joxer will get along while I am with Ares. Enjoy! See you in a while._

_- Zena_

Gabrielle lowered the note and stared at Joxer as if he were the lowliest animal to ever walk the Earth. He didn't really think she would fall for this ridiculousness did he? Maybe when she'd first started traveling with Xena. Even then she would have pursued her friend. But now? Now that Xena and herself were-apparently unbeknownedst to the mischevious boys-a couple now, she had little worries about her Warrior leaving her. As not to disrupt Xena's plans though, Gabrielle made up her mind. Though Joxer meant no harm she knew, if he was going to resort to dirty tricks then she'd have to sorely disappoint him to get him back.

"Oh Joxer," Gabrielle cooed, "Thank you for rescuing me. It was brave of you!"

"Well yeah I...yeah, it was." He flustered and waved a hand wildly, as if rescuing maidens was something he did on a daily basis. "Why don't we um...go sit in the room?"

_You got us a room? Are you really that naive? _Gabrielle chuckled internally. "No, no," she whispered in a most-convincing, sarcasm-laden tone. "I think I'll take a hot bath in the caldarium. Freshen up, you know."

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><p>Gabrielle had been in the caldarium for many candlemarks, lingering on the edges of the bath or occassionally slipping in for a while. She knew one thing was for certain, she'd never leave this place with Joxer, much less go to his room. The whole thought was truly amusing. Joxer would not try to take advantage of her; he was a kind creature underneath all of his layers of strangeness. Gabrielle noticed the crowd thin out to only herself and the steam. She dropped her towel and slid back inside the bath.<p>

"Gods Xena. I can't sit in this hot bath forever, I'll prune or something. When are you going to get here? I am NOT going back to that room."

"Well all you had to do was ask."

Gabrielle's head snapped up but she made no effort to cover herself. In the corner of the bath a tall figure she had somehow not seen was coming into the water.

"Xena? How did you end up here, too? I thought Joxer told you I was kidnapped or something."

"Yeah he did. Then I found Ares, who gave me a poor excuse for a letter telling me that you'd been killed and your last words were cursing my name. Told me we should come here and 'bond' while I grieve."

"Hey, it's better than the note Joxer gave me."

"Well you can tell me all about it later," Xena whispered, advancing on her bard. "Why waste a trip to such a prestigious bathhouse hmm?"

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><p>"Ares!"<p>

Joxer burst into the room that the God rested in. Whatever compromising situation the God had been in, he launched at the sheets and covered himself. He glared daggers at Joxer, who wasn't paying attention anyways. The self-proclaimed warrior was panting and looking around the room.

"Where are the girls?" He questioned. "I visited the baths, they aren't there. Kind of hoping Gabby would come before you came here with Xena. Maybe they saw each other..."

"Are you looking for the two women who just came in from the bath? I saw them go into a room down the hall by the frigidarium a few minutes ago," a voice said softly from the hallway, where a small woman loaded with a massive stack of towels was passing by. Leave it to Joxer to leave the door wide open.

Within seconds Ares (now dressed) and Joxer were jogging down the hallway. It was now or never! Intercept the girls before they met, if they hadn't already, or ruin the plan. When they reached the last door adjacent to the frigidarium the men paused and listened, not really keen upon running into another man and woman's room if they could help it.

"Listen," Ares whispered. "I hear something."

From behind the door came soft moans and cries of a woman. The men sent each other an understanding glance. One of their girls was in the room crying, but which they couldn't really tell. Ares felt elated at separating the two females, hoping it was the bard who was crying. Joxer on the other hand simply felt bad, and the urge to apologize and set things right made him place his hand on the door. Ares forcefully slammed a palm against the wooden door and it swung into the room with a loud bang.

Neither was prepared for what they saw.

A very naked Xena looked like she'd paused mid-motion, where she was on her knees with one thigh between the legs of her very naked bard and hands on the either side of the blonde's head. Gabrielle's small hands were entangled around the neck of her lover. Xena moved like lighting, sweeping the sheets over her and her bard in one swoop. She glared with fury at the stunned boys, still crouched protectively over her female. Gabrielle looked horrified for the turn of a moment, and then the hilarity seemed to strike her. She giggled and rolled over, facing the boys and now plesantly wrapped up in a sheet.

Ares stiffened and froze up, jaw hanging open. Joxer simply mumbled something incoherant and fell to the floor.

"The joke's on you," the bard blushed.

"Now get out," Xena finished with a growl, "We've got work to do."


End file.
